by admin on December 5th, 2011

Great news, everyone! Flint has been rescued from the Taliban by US forces operating in north-eastern Afghanistan! It’s not official yet, but a couple of my go-to money guys on the Bachmann campaign, who are on secondment from Kellog Brown and Root, told me the good news off the record! Seems they got it direct from some other KBR guys who do some part-time wet work in the Khyber Agency, a couple of weekends a month.

Apparently, the Pentagon wants to keep a lid on the rescue for the time being, presumably so they can spin it so’s President Barak Hussein Osama gets all the glory. Flint is currently recuperating at an undisclosed offshore location, with the Democrats using the need to “debrief” him as a pretext for the delay in bringing him home.

Flint (left) chats with his American rescuers.

Anyhoo, what I can tell you for now is that Flint was rescued by a crack US Provincial Reconstruction Team in Kunar province, only a couple of kilometers from the border with the Pakistani tribal areas. The team was on a hearts and minds mission, handing out Christmas cards, hot dogs and Beyoncé merch to the local goatherds, when they found Flint hiding alone in a pit latrine.

Flint had cunningly disguised himself as a typical Afghan farmer/terrorist, complete with beard and AK47, in order to infiltrate the Al Qaeda command structure. So convincing was his disguise, and his mutters of “Death to the West”, that his rescuers gave him a stout beating before they  began to suspect that the man calling himself  Abdullah Saladin – doubtless hoping to maintain his cover, and continue his daring operation  – might in fact be Flint Driscoll, the celebrated US security affairs blogger who went missing in Waziristan five months ago.

To be on the safe side, they continued the beating, but were finally persuaded to run some checks when they discovered that the prisoner’s rifle was not loaded and that someone had removed its firing pin – presumably Flint had done so himself, to eliminate any risk of “blue-on-blue” friendly fire incidents. Also, the prisoner seemed to speak little Pushtu apart from a few extremist Islamic slogans, but he was heard to whimper to himself in American English.

The coalition forces took Flint back to their base where, after some more enhanced debriefing, he finally broke cover. It seems that Flint had successfully ingratiated himself with his original Taliban abductors but that, after several months embedded with them, he had awoken one morning to find that they and the entire population of their village, and their herd animals, had mysteriously sneaked off in the night. Abandoned alone on a freezing mountainside, Flint had to fall back on his extensive survival training. The next day, disoriented by hunger, cold and exhaustion, and maddened by isolation, he sought refuge in the pit latrine, where the US forces found him two days later.

I can’t tell you how pleased I am to be able to share this great news with anybody who might still be reading this blog! My information might be a little out of date by now – I actually heard a few days back, but I’ve been so busy with designing my Bachmann attack spots that I couldn’t find time to log on to (it would help if the big lunk had set up a direct debit for me – his checks stopped coming when the terrorists grabbed him in July!).

Anyway, let’s all rejoice that one of the stoutest defenders of global freedom is once again safe in US military hands! Better yet, his rescue comes just a few days before his 45th birthday, which takes place on Thursday or Friday this week, I forget which. You can probably look it up somewhere.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Cass Umtak (web admin,